Online dating is not conducive to building stable relationships


Online dating is not conducive to building stable relationships
Far from bringing stability, such a wide field of choice actually makes this harder to achieve, while sky-high expectations of happiness mean that the slightest disappointment is enough to set people back on the hunt for a new partner. Inevitably, the thought that "there could be something better out there" leaves us less willing to make the sacrifices we should inevitably make in lasting emotional relationships, which studies suggest are at risk of running aground after 15 years. According to the most recent figures published by the Spanish National Institute of Statistics, in 2001 marital failure in Spain rose by 0.3%, with a total of 110,651 divorces, despite the financial crisis.
Online dating is not conducive to building stable relationships
With more than 100,000 users and 18 dating sites in Spain alone, the "revolution" of love on the web shows no signs of slowing, even though the system is not conducive to stability. To mark the celebration of Valentine's Day, this is the view offered by Francesc N��ez, sociologist and director of humanities at the UOC. "Dating industries have changed a lot, but they have become difficult to negotiate and finding a partner is a more painful experience. Using the internet rationalizes love to far too great a degree and can lead to conflict between our desires and our potential well-being."

The UOC expert explains that relationships used to be more stable, there were clearer guidelines and more straightforward expectations, since we had far less capacity to choose and were more likely to make do with what we had. However, society has now moved to the other extreme. "Films and the internet have raised the bar of what we aspire to when looking for a partner, which makes us more likely to experience disappointment," he argues, concluding that "a digital relationship feeds the imagination, our sense of expectancy, but also, in many cases, leads to disappointment."
Far from bringing stability, such a wide field of choice actually makes this harder to achieve, while sky-high expectations of happiness mean that the slightest disappointment is enough to set people back on the hunt for a new partner. Inevitably, the thought that "there could be something better out there" leaves us less willing to make the sacrifices we should inevitably make in lasting emotional relationships, which studies suggest are at risk of running aground after 15 years. According to the most recent figures published by the Spanish National Institute of Statistics, in 2001 marital failure in Spain rose by 0.3%, with a total of 110,651 divorces, despite the financial crisis.
 
Bars, friends and the internet
Tempting Cupid on the internet is becoming just as common as going out to bars and meeting people through friends. However, being rational about choosing a partner kills passion and, in N��ez's view, is a quicker path to disappointment. "Dating sites do away with the idea of love at first sight, we lose the passion; we want to turn love into a science. The other problem is that the model of 'mental health' has found its way into personal relationships and dictates the patterns they should follow. Reality shows us that the techniques of choosing via the internet – and economic rationality – do not make for happier or more stable couples."
With the internet, what happens to Cupid's arrow? N��ez signals calculability, the hyper-cognitive and rational methods of choosing a partner, as the factors that have stopped Cupid's arrows finding their mark. The surplus of possible (or potential) partners encourages greater introspection to establish preferences or reaffirm feelings, obliging us to present ourselves as "products".
The excess of information at our fingertips and the rational choices that online dating services allow "render us incapable of making intuitive decisions, they make us rational idiots," according to one of the central theories in the book Why Love Hurts, by Eva Illouz, to which N��ez refers.
 
For a successful Valentine's Day. 
To triumph in the name of Saint Valentine, N��ez stresses the value of sacrifice as an intrinsic virtue, allied with commitment and trust in your partner. "Who's willing to make sacrifices? Couples are expected to have an excellent sex life, limitless understanding, a sense of companionship that can stand the longest of rainy days. and all in the same package. This isn't just difficult, it can actually be impossible," he argues, pointing out that "men and women can have very different needs and expectations". His recommendations for a stable relationship are "for men to show more commitment, to acknowledge their partners' value and uniqueness, and for women to respect men's demands for independence, to give them a degree of freedom that allows men to feel free but not overlooked".
N��ez advocates "trusting to chance" and – once our choice has been made – resisting the urge to keep on searching. "There are people who find it difficult to stop, who end up suffering because they can't turn off to new possibilities and live in perpetual anxiety as they search for the ideal partner, who doesn't in fact exist. It is harder than ever to feel satisfied with the choice we make. Internet is a source of temptation, it encourages us to look beyond what we already have and fuels an addiction to new beginnings that can just as easily come to painful ends. Curbing our urge to search is the best option and a good solution," says N��ez, who points to the consumerist view of the romantic ideal as the hurdle that prevents Saint Valentine and Cupid achieving greater success.