I tried using dating apps to find friends


I Tried Using Dating Apps to Find Friends
I jumped in swiping myself and found, to my surprise, a lot of guys were cool with my rule. It wasn't, however, easy to find a great friend match. With photo-heavy, information light profiles, the apps had me frustrated within five minutes. Tinder was the worst of them: All I saw were a couple of group shots (but which guy are you, Steve?), ab selfies, and if I was really lucky, a suit shot. With no other criteria, I swiped right on guys who I found attractive and could write a literate sentence in their About Me, the same method I used when trying to date.
I Tried Using Dating Apps to Find Friends
For one month, I friendzoned the entire population of Tinder, Hinge, and Coffee Meets Bagel. Guess how that went?
By Alyssa Bailey Published: Oct 28, 2014
Save Article
Every item on this page was chosen by an ELLE editor. We may earn commission on some of the items you choose to buy.
Getty Images
It was getting serious with one of my Tinder matches. After a witty opener (he, having studied at Oxford, asked if I was British because I somehow looked it) and exchanging our jobs and educational background, we were discussing our favorite Delaware beach destination. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said sure. "Just want to give you a heads up, though," I wrote. "I was serious when I said I'm just looking for friends on my profile. You're so nice, and I don't want to lead you on in any way. So if that's an issue, we should probably just call it now."
We did; he never responded. And he wasn't the only one who ghosted me after the big reveal. During the month that I used social dating apps to find new buddies, I sent countless unrequited salutations, offered up priceless New York City travel recommendations, and even gave my number to a guy who wanted to discuss first amendment rights. But I made zero friends.
When I started, I believed that, with millions of people just searching for company online, I'd easily find my new bestie or at least someone down for a platonic hang. A friend finder app, after all, didn't seem too far away with Tinder for cats and other spin-off matching services debuting. (And it's not officially. LykeMe, an app three Michigan State University students have designed to match people based on interests, is launching this fall.) On a personal level, I wanted more friends. I moved to New York less than two years ago and have been trying to expand my circle as I build roots in the city. As a very extroverted person, I believe the more people around, the merrier (and richer) life is.
I began my experiment in mid-August, downloading Tinder, Hinge, and Coffee Meets Bagel. I was familiar with the apps beforehand: I used them for a month in summer 2013 when they were new and the It Thing among my friends, the source of all our war stories. But I ended up hating them for dating because of their "all or nothing" protocol. The ample matches I'd make would either a) never talk to me or b) always and incessantly talk to me and get upset if I didn't reply as rapidly or enthusiastically.
That said, I was confident friendship was going to be different on the apps. People would be chiller because the relationship stakes were lower. So I filled out my profiles honestly, noting in each I was not looking to date, "only make friends :)." This practice got trickier on more information-intensive apps—I literally responded to Coffee Meets Bagel's "I like it when my date…" query with a "doesn't want to date me. I'm just looking for friends! :)." I knew then it was laughable. Still, I didn't want to play mind games with my future besties.
But Laurie Davis, author of Love @ First Click: The Ultimate Guide to Online Dating and an online dating consultant, later told me that strategy was all wrong: Being direct was the kiss of death. "If you're looking for friends, I would just not write anything about that until the very end if they ask you a question about it," she said. And even then, I shouldn't say it bluntly. "On OKCupid, they ask you 'you should message me if…' and I would say something really casual there like, 'You think having a drink would be fun.' Use words like 'fun,' which is an indicator of more for social than anything else." She didn't have a lot of faith in my whole friend-getting scheme, really. "As someone who's single, I wouldn't suggest [you] joining a dating site if you're really not interested in dating anyone at least casually," she said.
But I wanted to see if it was possible. I thought my "friends only" profiles would be the measure of this: The people who swiped right on me after reading them would understand and accept my terms.
I jumped in swiping myself and found, to my surprise, a lot of guys were cool with my rule. It wasn't, however, easy to find a great friend match. With photo-heavy, information light profiles, the apps had me frustrated within five minutes. Tinder was the worst of them: All I saw were a couple of group shots (but which guy are you, Steve?), ab selfies, and if I was really lucky, a suit shot. With no other criteria, I swiped right on guys who I found attractive and could write a literate sentence in their About Me, the same method I used when trying to date.
Going in, I thought the experiment was limited: Because these were dating apps, I couldn't access the pool of straight girls, those least likely to see me as a romantic target. Turns out the apps didn't create that restriction though: we did. On Tinder particularly, "The purpose was never just for dating, it was for social discovery in general," Rosette Pambakian, vice president of communications for the app, told me. "The co-founders wanted to create a really efficient way to meet people around you who you probably would have never met before."
The "show me men versus women" option the app provides is "exactly what it says," Pambakian explains. "We're not asking you to define what you're interested in." Yet I joined right in creating the user subtext. A woman's profile would show up on my Tinder, and I'd just stare at it. I couldn't swipe right, partly because of an information shortage, partly because of the guilt I felt misleading the woman in the picture. I associated more with her: She had zero chance with me romantically because of my sexual orientation, and I'd feel unethically deceptive talking with her even though I wrote "straight" in my profile and that I was just searching for friends. I also doubted, after a while, people really read what I wrote.
Still, I got matches who would usually say nothing or just "Hi." Those who did say more provided some strange conversations. "Hi! So where would you spend a Sunday afternoon in New York?" was one message I received from a cute British(!) blond I swiped. I had been so excited he talked with me. I always wanted an English friend, in part due to the accent and cultural intrigue.
As forward as his message was (Did he want to hang out with me already?! No one else was that refreshingly direct), I responded with Central Park and waited. I had been busy that day, but our friend picnics by the park's Lake could happen next weekend. I was already imagining suggesting tea and scones at nearby Alice's Tea Cup when the Brit dreamboat got back to me one day later: "Thanks! I spent the entire afternoon there! I'm just traveling here for a couple days." I typed a polite "You're welcome," a little crushed.
It turns out, according to Pambakian, Tinder is commonly used as a travel guide. "We actually get a lot of articles where people have been using it to get recommendations while traveling." Despite discovering a newfound use for Tinder, I realized that insta-friendzoning potentially interested dates was probably not the best way to make new buddies.
So I deleted the apps a week later—but not before having the closest thing to success on them. A 25-year-old First Amendment lawyer matched with me on Tinder. We started talking about journalism and media rights, and I figured this could be the one I meet with. We exchanged numbers, agreed to talk over coffee. He wrote, "I'll reach out once things settle down at work." He never did. Still, he was the one match I didn't remind I was just looking for friends with. What killed it was our lack of enthusiasm for each other, and ultimately, that's why a friend finder app probably won't have legs post-college: People just aren't as invested in friendship as they are with dating. Hinge's founder and CEO, Justin McLeod, agrees. "Finding friends online is something I'm sure some people could benefit from (especially if they've just moved to a new city), but I don't think it will ever be as big as dating," he wrote in an e-mail. "Friendships are simply forged more regularly and with less pressure and exclusivity. People tend to make and keep multiple friends, so there just isn't the same urgency."
So without the romantic motivator, we put less in—and I was guilty of it. I'd leave conversations hanging for days simply because I'd forget to reply with work and other things popping up. The guys I was talking to weren't my future boyfriends; I didn't feel obligated to immediately respond just to prove I was interested.
But the real reason I failed was that I was utterly clueless about who would be the right match for me. And I had good reason to be.
My best friends, after all, I probably would've rejected on an app because they're so different from me. Our relationships were sparked by in-person chemistry, sustained by getting to know each other over time. And because of that, I think I'll just stick to meeting friends—and potential dates—in person.
Photo: Everett Collection
Senior News and Strategy Editor
Alyssa Bailey is the senior news and strategy editor at ELLE.com, where she oversees coverage of celebrities and royals (particularly Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton). She previously held positions at InStyle and Cosmopolitan. When she's not working, she loves running around Central Park, making people take #ootd pics of her, and exploring New York City.