Here are the eight types of internet dater ring any bells philippa perry the guardian


Here are the eight types of internet dater – ring any bells
The female equivalent of the playa, and vulnerable to falling victim to him. She too is only after one thing: a quick family. She appears more interested in your steady income than about what sweet music you might be able to make together. In fact, she might ask on the first date how keen you are to settle down and start producing progeny. Encounters feel more like job interviews than dates. “What’s your sperm count?”
Here are the eight types of internet dater – ring any bells?
A recent piece in nymag.com reported that 5% of OkCupid hopefuls looking for love now put their Myers-Briggs type into their profile information. This is despite the writer Roman Krznaric reporting that psychologists have doubted their efficacy for decades. Indeed, if we retake a Myers-Briggs test just five weeks after the first test, 50% of us will come out with a different result. These types of personality tests are also guilty of being reductive, putting us in categories such as “extrovert” or “introvert” when in reality we are mixtures of both. So I really do not recommend over-simplifying human nature, which is always in flux, by putting people in boxes and slapping on labels. Except it’s so fun to do – so with that in mind, I’ve come up with my own labels for internet daters. I hope you find them useful.
1. The playa
What happened when we took a lie detector on some internet dates
Good at reading people so that he – and it usually is a he – will know how to say the thing which will make his date feel seen, understood and appreciated for herself. But beware, for though this charmer may melt hearts, he is only after one thing. As soon as he’s got that notch on his bedpost, he’ll suddenly not be ready for a relationship right now, or simply stop texting. It’s not you, it’s him.
2. The vanity project
Even worse than the playa, because they aren’t even all that interested in sex. They check their online dating account obsessively to see how many people have “liked” their profile, and that’s really enough for them. The vanity project may get into emailing to get even more admiration, but they’re not interested in actually meeting – except for maybe via speed dating, but that’s only as they like counting the number of emails they get afterwards. The vanity project may well be already married.
3. The perfectionist
Harbours the romantic notion that Mr or Miss Right is out there for them – and they’ll know immediately from something they refer to as “chemistry”. They haven’t realised that perfection doesn’t come ready-made and that a relationship is built up slowly. Even if they do seem to hit it off with a date, they’ll never commit or settle because there’s so much choice out there it makes them terrified of making a mistake. They might have a ball with someone, but reject them as his clothes weren’t quite right or her ankles were a bit thick. They might be, quite possibly, a little bit phobic of commitment.
4. The defeatist
Someone who has been on as many as three internet dates and has had the misfortune to fall victim of a playa, a vanity project and a perfectionist. On the basis of three unfortunate experiences, they write off everyone and anyone who may be seeking a partner using online dating. Their only hope is to strike it lucky first time because they won’t give online love a chance. Their pessimism may even put off potential partners.
The depressive should probably be looking for a therapist rather than a date
5. The interviewer
The female equivalent of the playa, and vulnerable to falling victim to him. She too is only after one thing: a quick family. She appears more interested in your steady income than about what sweet music you might be able to make together. In fact, she might ask on the first date how keen you are to settle down and start producing progeny. Encounters feel more like job interviews than dates. “What’s your sperm count?”
6. The depressive
Should probably be looking for a therapist rather than a date. They usually have a belief that with the right partner to look after them, they would feel all right. In fact, they might have ended a relationship with a perfectly nice person because they were depressed and rather than recognising it in themselves, thought it was to do with their ex.
7. The rescuer
They may not realise it, but they are looking for a depressive. Although this relationship may work for a bit, it usually ends in tears as the only person who can really change the depressive is themselves. And the rescuer may get resentful that, try as they might, nothing really makes a difference. They may try to change a playa as well (it never works). They too would probably be better off seeing a therapist in order to drop the habit of trying to change everyone.
8. The survivalist
The most successful internet dater, a real imperfect human being who knows that love is about acting in loving ways, as much as passive attraction. This is someone who keeps at it until they meet another such realist. They survive and thrive at internet dating because they have optimism. Even though they meet their fair share of playas, vanity projects and interviewers, they realise they cannot be the only half-decent human using a dating service, so they keep at it until they feel a glimmer of a spark. They will give themselves and that person a chance to see if it grows into anything warmer, because they know that perfection isn’t love, but love is perfection, and they know it needs time to establish and grow.
What type are you? And what other types have you encountered?